Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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