we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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