It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
