Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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