All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
