I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
