The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
