Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
