He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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