I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
