I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
