every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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