Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
