I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Are we still banned from the library?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
