Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
