..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i think my tv is drunk
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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