maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
