The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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