I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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