3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
