If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
