ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
