smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He better not be in your backpack
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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