You smell like stripper and shame
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
