apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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