This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
