If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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