I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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