Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you traded sex for a burrito?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
