Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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