This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
