I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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