tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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