So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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