Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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