I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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