I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
