I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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