Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
