I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Come see our sink grown plant.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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