Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
