Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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