you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
