sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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