these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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