I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
