im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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