Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
