SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
