end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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